The Most In Memory

Dear, 
Beloved, 
Respectful, 
Precious,
When I look into my past,

I don't clearly see you

but recall a man walking away

with sports coat over his shoulder

and my thoughts exactly was

"I want to be like him"

the road that separate us

is where I picked up my first cigarette

already lit, half smoked with a fume curved shape
dancing nude

temptation cease to exist
as the cigarette touch my lips

and the smoke left me breathless

coughing for almost forever
while water exit my tear glands

but you came and went like the wind

and until I saw you again

you was a ghost in my memory

every time I fall forward, I fell back

and recall you holding the bike seat

behind me until you let go and loudly said

"Go!"

I went and then I did not see you for

more than just some time

and when I find myself looking up at you

and remembered thinking

"What was wrong with me?"

but you never answered

my unasked question

saving my breath for

not stupid question

so I was quiet most of the time

I could not blame you

for not liking me

I didn't like myself

so much that I try to bleach my personality

bathing in a pool of request
until I as swimming in an ocean of your wants
but anything for you to look at me as you do him

I could not be half of what you wanted me to be
so I split into two leaving you my better half
and all the static noise showing you
but the truth for me

was that I wanted to believe
in you

I am mad at myself

for losing to myself

because I was right
I just could not see it
and apparently
neither could you
and when you and I look into your eyes
and we both see what you want us both to see
the perfect person
but if you put your glasses on
you may see yourself better
because I see you really
and I really do not like

you were most there

but not truly for me

you were most there

but only physically
I always felt not a part of you

and that is what I remember

the most