Billabong

If I wasn't alone
If music didn't play
If I did not sing
If beauty did not exist
If the waves did not crash
If the sand did not blow
If I could not stand
If you could not see my feet
If the rope did not hold
If I could always smile
If flowers did not smell
If I could not walk on this
IF the sun did not shine
If there were no water
If I could just be
If there were no view
If it did not feel like this
If you could just see me
If I could not be bare
If I could not sleep
The world, would it be still?

Billabong Lightwriting

Amy, Amy, Amy

You have places to go

you had people you could have seen

but instead you sit in the open glass room

listening to instructions

because of your disability

who ever thought you

sharing is caring

never thought you

caring is a whole load

you had so much to share

all the ideas, all the love

wanted to show the world the sun

from your eyes

the goodness

all you wanted to do was share

but by the time you reached the sharing step

you were full of all the things you disliked the most

and the things you did not want to be

Your words unladylike

and many times the most filthy

But your voice

It showed me the stories

you could not speak

Your voice 

It showed me the things you were

and the things you wanted to be

I have not had wine in my house

for sometime

but I do have a photo of you

in the case

Reading... Parental Advisory 

Lotus Focus

Finding focus underneath the desk

next to the vitamin fish

coffee

and bottle of water

mixing causing bowel movement

today's treatment

focus under pressure

focus into the lotus

see beauty crumble in detail

nothing more displeasing

than deflowering

that which is pleasing

But only until it has been pleased

and then there's much less you can do with it

and it all feels like it could have been nothing

nothing is more scary than feeling nothing

because then we become despicable
mouth watering violence
round shaped hearts
falling into oblivion
wandering where you are
as depression attack
and then your beautiful day
is gone
and a pill is supposed to 
save you from your insecurities
and no one can save you from
your self pity
only to lose focus
and drown in meaningless life
to find a meaning in life

You Did It

You did it to yourself

Where you are right now,

Looking back now

Thinking how

Things came to be

But You did it to yourself

Falling and falling

sometime forgetting

To get back up

You should have

Gotten backup

But 

You did it to yourself

You say you won't go back

but you find yourself back 

At the same door

The difficulties opening

Anything

And everything

You did it to yourself

Lapse in Memory

I died with stage fright. 

No word came from me and so I panic and my heart gave. All I could remember was that a man walked past me and made a dismayed comment while I gave him my back. 

While I was parting from myself, I found the stage empty and the audience staring at the blank wall in amaze. I forget where I am, I forget where I was supposed to be, just when I walked under the door frame to the other room I realize that I suffered from a short memory loss. 

One girl from the audience stared directly at me and smiled. She looked right into my eyes and I felt unease. I became confused as I did not know if you were looking at me or through me. Something about being looked through makes me lack comfort. 

The other day I smelled apple pie in my apartment but we are bakers free. The smell came distinctly from my bedroom, no where else. The girl then smiled more showing her pearly whites and I could help but not to smile back. She then turned back to the blank wall and gestured at the wall in amaze. Shrills ran through me for a slight second. Is the world going on? 

I remember a letter that was sent to me from Barcelona, beautiful letter. Only a caring person would take the time to write a letter where you found not one mistake or misspelling in four to five pages. She then added to the letter a beautifully taken picture of herself standing in an artistic pose. I tried to write back, but after 10 wrinkle pages on the floor with misspellings, cross-outs, and change styling between cursive and non-cursive, I decided I was not made for it. I must have let her down, she told me she admired me and tried in every sense to show me just how important I was in changing her life. I went 5 years without responding. 

A baby standing on his mothers lap looked directly at me and smiled. I moved thinking that it was a coincident that his eyes gaze at me and his lips widened at me. I moved a little and his eyes followed. Could he see me? 

I wonder who else notice me in front of the blank wall where they are all staring at. I must be missing something. I then smiled at him and he smiled more, we kept exchanging smiles until he started to laugh. His mother gazed in my direction and looked directly in my eyes, then turned to the baby's eye, and then back at mine. It kept on until I realized that she could not see me and was meaning to find what the infant found so funny. 

I dislike celery but it tasted magnificent in this well prepared dish. I was never fund of the color green, something about it left me in disgust. It must be a disgusting color.

I Want You To Be Who You Are, But The Way I Want You To Be

I did not go to the end of the world
but I did step outside my one bedroom apartment
and then outside my current city
then outside the state
then outside the country

I stepped outside
looking for something different
but all the difference in the world
changed nothing
and I wanted to change them
to be a little more like you

the things I most dislike
are for some reason
thing I kind of most missed
and while I cannot stand
I figure I have to
get this shape we need
so sanding paper

but it will take forever to shape you

so I thought, let time shape you